but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them