Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.