Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.