I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ok like just. call me at this point
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home