To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
incredible text to wake up to
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain