Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ok this is my dumbest yet
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
saving face 👀
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs