*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.