I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
When I laugh on my period
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”