Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
You Might Also Like
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.