[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Pot warmers of the day.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you