I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.