Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*