Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.