My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.