I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
me after drinking all the wine:
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone