reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.