academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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😂💯
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Muppet Screams
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you