archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them