Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?