{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Matt Goss
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.