Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Writing, She Murdered.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.