I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
⛄️
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?