me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!