FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
welp