When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
How is it still this week?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them