Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.