My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
You Might Also Like
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I just tested negative for patience.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.