Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Raisins are grape jerky.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Okay, I’m still confused…
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.