Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Spider-cat: No One Home
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.