“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You Might Also Like
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.