i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.