Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)