5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
This probably isn’t good
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
What
“How’s your day going?”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.