me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Check out the legs on this baby
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.