if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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I’d hang this in my house.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.