I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you