My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes