Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”