A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The future is now.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset