“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Most fashion shows these days…
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Who chose this font
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
my sentiments exactly
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that