WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
The three genders
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*puts words between two asterisks*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY