The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)