Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!