Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t