At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.