Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
#SuperBowl
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*