[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.