Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.