Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
pelicons
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT