Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere